If Wishes Were Ramen Dishes!
by S.P.Q.T
Summary: Naruto has finally returned to Konoha after much headshaking, but he has changed, in some ways good, and in others... bad... Mainly humorous, and NaruHina! 'Because there's more to Naruto than Sasuke.'™


**If Wishes Were Ramen Dishes!**

A comedic romantic horrific action-ish work of literature

Chapter the First

Hinata sighed as she walked along the road, as was her wont. Naruto had left Konoha for a training trip of two and a half years after the 'Sasuke running off' incident, as some of the more resentful members of the rookie nine had come to call it. It had been two years and eight months since then, and still he hadn't returned, much to her disappointment. He still played a large role in her thoughts. When he left she had intended to say goodbye, but upon arriving her courage had failed her once more. She had regretted her decision ever since, for days afterwards agonising over what could have happened had she done what she set out to do. Now, getting on to three years later, she had promised to herself that should anything of the sort ever happen again she would not run away. With the nindo that she shared with the object of her affection, she was not allowed to break that promise.

Broken out of her train of thought by a large group of young men running past, Hinata began to go over the mission she had returned from that morning. She, Kiba and Neji had set out the evening before to locate a group of wannabe bandits, observe their activities, estimate their actual strength and then report back to the mission centre. After a thorough analysis was completed, another team was dispatched to deal with the problem. It was definitely one of the more mundane chuunin-level missions, but at least it was short.

On the matter of being a chuunin, Hinata began to feel sorry for Naruto. He hadn't been there to take the exam in the Leaf six months ago when she had been promoted. She had entered then with Lee and Ino, and, with their brilliant fire of youth, all become chuunin. Most of the other genin in their 'group' had made it in the previous exam which was held in the Sand. Then Hinata made another decision: when Naruto entered, she would be cheering him on with everything she had, and she would let that be known.

Finally reaching the weapons shop, she went in to buy some new kunai, several of her old ones having been accidentally destroyed by Kiba the night before. Hinata reddened at that thought; poor Kiba hadn't been able to walk afterwards, and Neji had been forced to carry him home. Thankfully he'd been quickly treated at the hospital and released after a stern warning from the doctor to never to do that again, or he'd suffer the consequences.

Paying for her items, she noticed the lack of sound from the back of the shop, and realised that the weapons smith wasn't at work. Then, leaving, she suddenly noticed just how quiet it actually was outside, when another group of young male shinobi came running past, making a very loud racket. As soon as they had disappeared, it was eerily silent once more.

Hinata wondered what was going on, a slight frown on her face, and then she set off in the direction they had gone. She turned the corner of the road and was greeted by the sight of a very, very large crowd of men all gathered round the bookshop and yelling excitedly to each other. It seemed like they were queuing for something, but she couldn't see what, so she jumped up onto a roof to see over the mass of heads. To the trained eye, the reason for the mass congregation was apparent.

_TWO AND A HALF YEAR WAIT!_ read the signs that bedecked the windows of the shop. _THREE VOLUME MEGA RELEASE! ICHA ICHA PARADISE RETURNS TODAY! _And beneath: _The author will be signing copies of his books today._

However, Hinata was not very knowledgeable about 'the Male Ninja's Best Friend.' She knew that Kiba was heavily into Icha Icha Paradise and talked about it animatedly with the other boys, but what it was about she had only a vague idea from what she caught being said. The hero, by the name of Junko, took on hordes of evil kunoichi and defeated them in groups of several at a time with some special jutsu of his. At least that was the general idea.

Hinata was shaken out of her reverie this time by a sight that truly made her eyes widen. In the middle of the line of men steadily leaving bearing large bags of books, there was Shino, hugging his own bag protectively to his chest as he walked off down the road at a quick pace. His expression was, as ever, hidden by his sunglasses, but his bag-hugging was a very un-Shino-like action.

Hinata took one step after him before something else caught her eye. Another Shino calmly walked out from the crowd and walked off in the same direction, bag swinging by his side. She watched him grow smaller before turning back to the crowd in time to see yet another 'Shino' come out, this time his bag over his shoulder. He stopped, scratching his head and looking around, before shrugging and also walking away after the two previous Shinos.

By now Hinata knew that something was not right. "Shino-kun…" she murmured. What if he'd been kidnapped and substituted by Icha Icha Paradise-reading copies? She quickly followed the last one to leave, who seemed to be a bit lost, staying far enough behind to not be seen but close enough to keep track. Unfortunately her mastery of the byakugan was still not that good by her clan's standards, despite her clear advances in other areas.

The Shino ahead was walking along now, seemingly pleased with himself, as he had switched to swinging the loaded bag in wide arcs and whistling. Knowing now for sure that this was not Shino, Hinata was debating whether to call for assistance or to take on this very bad impostor herself, when out of the blue something whipped out of an alley with horrible speed and dragged him in.

Hinata let a yelp, as did 'Shino' as he disappeared into the alley. She quickly ran to the corner and cautiously peered around it. What she saw horrified her.

The narrow passageway quickly grew dark as it got further back. One Shino was hanging upside down, somehow pinned to the wall. His glasses, obviously chakra-enhanced, were still perched on his nose. He seemed to be taking the entire situation well. Another was lying flat on the floor, face down. He was trembling, but whether with suppressed rage or immense fear she didn't know. The Shino who had just been pulled in was being dragged along the ground by something which she couldn't see, even when she tried using her byakugan. Abruptly the bag onto which he was holding with great tenacity was wrenched from his grasp to join two others.

"Noooo!" screeched the Shino look-alike. "You can't! Please, no!"

The source of the reply was what was scaring Hinata. Towards the back of the alley, light diminished until it was like a pure black wall. In the midst of the darkness there were two evil blood-red eyes, filled with malice and hatred. The eyes were flecked with yellow and orange, likening them to the very fires of hell.

"Bwah hah hah hah hah foo!" came a deep and growling laughter from the eyes, forcing shudders from all those present. "You fools! My trap was destined to destroy your dreams of ever reading these books!" At the mention of destiny, the Shino on the ground visibly twitched. "Now observe as I destroy your new purchases! Hah hah hah hah hah hah!" The three bags filled with Icha Icha Paradise suddenly ignited, and the newest Shino to arrive began screaming in both agony and anger. The one on the floor growled. The upside down one was silent in his pain.

Soon enough the pyre of somewhat illicit material was left without enough fuel to burn. As the embers died out, the eyes began laughing horrible again, to be interrupted by a shout from New Shino.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU FOR THAT, YOU FREAK!" he roared. Hinata suddenly wondered if she knew who this really was. Apparently the eyes also had an idea.

"Fufufufu, I believe I can make a guess as to who it is here!" Then the voice yelled "Kai!" and in a puff of smoke an enraged Kiba was there instead. "I'm right?" came the voice. This time, it sounded a bit less evil to Hinata. "Cool! I mean, of course it was you, Inuzuka Kiba! But your two comrades have yet to be unmasked! Kai!"

The grounded Shino also erupted in smoke to reveal someone who made Hinata even paler than usual. "Neji… nii-san?" she said almost questioningly. _But why were they both using henge? And why as Shino-kun?_

"Bwah hah hah!" roared the insane voice again. "You too, Hyuuga Neji! Who would suspect you of all people? And now for the last of the three – to find out who _you_ really are!"

"I'm Shino," said Shino.

"Huh?"

"I'm the real Aburame Shino."

"But… But Shino… Doesn't he prefer… bugs and stuff?"

"True. But recently Kiba has incurred my interest in the series and I have taken it upon myself to become a devoted fanatic."

"B-but, you-"

"I am simply more reserved about it than he."

"Umm…" The evil voice was no longer evil, but rather a bit desperate. "Kai!" When the final Shino failed to become Maito Gai, the eyes blinked. "You… You truly are Aburame Shino…" it whispered, filled with awe.

"Hmm," replied Aburame Shino.

After a few more blinks, the eyes resumed glaring at the three. "Very well. You have paid for your transgressions. But remember this: when I'm Hokage, this will be illegal and horribly punished. You have been warned! I'll always be watching! Bwah hah hah hah hah hah!" The eyes disappeared, the shrouding blackness receded and whatever was holding onto the two chuunin and the jounin let go. Immediately Hinata ran from her hiding place to check on them.

"Neji-nii-san! Kiba-kun! Shino-kun!" she squeaked. "Are you alright?"

"Uh… Hinata-sama…" grumbled Neji from his place on the ground.

"Hinata!" shouted Kiba. "Please, tell me you saw that weirdo too!"

"Kiba…" came Shino's serious voice, "I believe we all saw that."

"Well, you know…"

As Kiba trailed off, Hinata took the opportunity to speak up. "Umm… Neji-nii-san…. Kiba-kun… Why were you using henge to look like Shino-kun?"

Kiba looked at Neji and Neji looked at Kiba. In his corner, Shino looked at nothing in particular and pushed his sunglasses further up his nose. If Hinata didn't know better, she'd have thought that the glasses-pushing was almost angry.

Neji now spoke. "That doesn't matter now. We must immediately see Hokage-sama."

"Huh? Why?"

"Didn't you hear that man? He claimed that he would become the Hokage. The meaning of this is obvious: he is embroiled in a plot, yes, a plot. A plot to assassinate Tsunade-sama and replace her with a puppet Hokage! We must alert ANBU at once!" Neji's tone had grown steadily more dramatic throughout his deduction.

"But," started Kiba, "what did the assassin have to do with our books? I mean, it's just harmless smut…" With a jolt of horror he remembered Hinata was there. "Uhh, yeah, it's just about Sumatto, the… latest ninja must-have gadget! It kills, cooks, _and _it's cuddly!"

"I thought you had Icha Icha Paradise, Kiba-kun."

"Oh, yes, you're right! And I was wrong! Ha ha!" _I hope Hinata stops prodding for information…_ Kiba thought. He was not helped by Shino.

"In the first volume of the triple-release," said the hooded shinobi, "the enemy village recruits wild women into the ninja training program while Junko infiltrates the political infrastructure by starting an affa-"

"Shino!" hissed Kiba into said ninja's ear his hand clapped over his mouth. "I thought you were intelligent! Now shut up!"

Neji was growing irate at the seeming lack of emergency. "Shut up both of you! And Hinata-sama, I respectfully request that you abstain from reading further into the marvellous series that is Icha Icha Paradise. Please believe me when I say that it isn't your kind of thing."

"Of course, Ne-"

"Now we must hurry lest we fail to warn Hokage-sama or ANBU of this foul conspiracy! With me!"

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"Hokage-sama!" yelled Kiba as the group of four went crashing through the door to her office.

"Hmmm?" Tsunade was obviously not as coherent as one would expect such an upstanding person to be. "Uhh?" she questioned, only proving it further.

"Hokage-sama!" spluttered Kiba again, before Neji pushed him aside.

"Hokage-sama, what Kiba is trying to say is that we've been horribly assaulted!"

"Assaulted?" Tsunade looked a bit sceptical as she forced herself to wake up properly. "You're a jounin, Neji. Even if you were attacked, couldn't you do something about it?"

"Please, Hokage-sama, listen! Shino, Kiba and I were walking home after visiting the bookshop to buy some literary classics, when a ninja, whom I believe was using some kind of genjutsu to conceal himself, attacked us!"

"Really? Are you being serious?" She asked in a dreary, bored-stiff tone. Tsunade was still under the impression that some of her youngest shinobi were fooling her around.

"Yes!" exclaimed Neji, looking unusually flustered.

"Then why didn't you look through the genjutsu. From what Hiashi tells me, you're now proficient enough with your bloodline to see through fairly advanced techniques."

Neji scowled and briefly turned red. "I… was preoccupied with the loss of my purchases…"

"Oh, I see. Was it anything I know?" Tsunade asked in a bored voice, and involuntarily started to go back to sleep again.

Neji thought for a second, and then said "No, it was nothing you'd know."

"Nooo!" wailed Kiba. "We all had the signed Mega-Release of Icha Icha-" Rudely Neji grabbed Kiba around the head, blocking off his mouth and silencing him, but it was too late. Tsunade immediately woke up completely and narrowed her eyes.

"Icha Icha _what_?" she asked menacingly, standing up and glaring at Neji and Kiba. Shino pushed his glasses up his nose and took a step back, while poor Hinata, who couldn't work out what was so bad about the books, was trying to make herself as small as possible.

"Icha Icha Haters!" Neji hurriedly trotted out before mentally punching himself for how stupid that sounded.

"Tell me," said Tsunade as she walked around her desk slowly and ominously, "do you honestly expect me to believe that young males who bought something beginning with 'Icha Icha' bought anything other than Jiraiya's novels?"

"Um…" They were all slowly backing away now.

"And Hinata… _Please_ don't tell me you were buying them as well."

"Uh…" She didn't really know what to say in front of the strongest ninja in the whole village advancing on her and three others. Simply saying 'No' just didn't occur to her.

"Of course she wasn't! What are you thinking?" yelled Neji. Then an idea occurred to him "And anyway, it was just a get rich quick plan! We just went to the shop to buy the books and have Jiraiya-sama sign them so we could sell them on for loads of money!"

"Oh, really?" Tsunade said as she began gathering chakra. "Step aside, Hinata. These young perv…" Just as she was about to beat the young shinobi to a nanometre of their lives, her mind finished processing what they had just said. "Wait… _Jiraiya_ signed them?" Neji nodded, trying to keep himself looking brave. "So Jiraiya's back?" Neji nodded again.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama," he said, wondering why she found it so difficult to believe him.

Very quickly the Hokage's expression of surprise and wonderment grew angry, again. "That IDIOT!" she yelled, causing everyone present to flinch again. "I told him to come here as soon as they got back, and instead he's off promoting his disgusting books! We're going there right now!"

"But Tsunade-sama, the assassination-"

"That can wait!" roared Tsunade as she pulled her coat on.

"But that's hardly professional, Tsunade-sama!" spluttered Neji.

She turned to him, eyes glittering dangerously. "_I'm_ the Hokage here," she warned him. Neji hurriedly nodded.

"Of course, Tsunade-sama!" Behind him, Kiba was sniggering.

When the group arrived at the bookshop, Hinata was surprised to find as many men standing around as there were before. When Tsunade emitted a very worrying noise however the many assembled ninja and civilians scattered, looks of horror and fear evident on their faces. When she saw the large signs in the windows of the shop proclaiming the return of 'The Only Book You Ever Need to Read', another such sound escaped her and her companions shook in fear. Hinata could only wonder why the Hokage was so angry; Shino, Kiba and Neji, having read the bestselling books, had a much better idea.

The enraged Tsunade strode into the shop and followed the rapidly shortening line of fans until she reached the source of all her current problems, a white-haired man in his fifties with too much time on his hands. Currently enjoying a discussion with a jounin in sunglasses who was hiding his lower face with his hands, he didn't notice Tsunade's presence until she was practically on top of him.

"Jiraiya," came a cold voice. Said man stopped laughing to realise that poor Ebisu-san was lying haphazardly amongst some destroyed bookshelves and had been replaced by the true love of his life, the only one he could ever give up his ways for, and the only one who was about to hit him really, really hard.

Looking at the man before them, Hinata realised that he was the same person that 'her' Naruto-kun had gone off with to train. _Does that mean..?_

She couldn't think any further though because the odd man was currently in a death grip and slowly losing the will to live, thanks to his old team-mate. Tsunade growled like a vicious lioness, before releasing him and punching him squarely on the nose. The cracking sound produced on impact caused many winces.

"Jiraiya," growled Tsunade again, "I told you that as soon as you got back you were both to immediately come and see me!"

Jiraiya picked himself up, grumbling under his breath. The red mark on his face was not fading. "Tsunade… You must understand the beauty of my books. My fans! They have been waiting for what now? Almost three years? Their souls, they must be crying out for Icha Icha goodness! How could I possibly-"

Tsunade punched him again. "You could have come to see me and then gone off to sign your books tomorrow! Where is Naruto anyway?"

At this Kiba pushed forwards, not noticing Hinata who was turning a dangerous shade of red. "Naruto's back!" he yelled. "Why's no-one said anything!"

"We only got back this morning," moaned Jiraiya from his painful-looking position on the floor. "And I don't know where he is… the little punk…"

Tsunade was just about to re-punch Jiraiya when Kiba interrupted again. "Does… Does this mean that all this time he was away…? Naruto was being trained by Jiraiya-sama?" His face was twisting on itself as though he couldn't quite manage to express whatever emotion he was feeling at that moment. When Tsunade curtly nodded, it became apparent from the scowl that appeared that he was more than a bit jealous.

"Naruto was being trained by Jiraiya-sama?" Neji seemed surprised, but not jealous. "He must be strong indeed now… Although…" - here his chest expanded with pride – "I _am_ a jounin."

"I'd have taken either of you if you'd asked," said Jiraiya as he pushed himself up again. "I would've welcomed some _real_ manly company when I was gathering information."

"Gathering information?"

Jiraiya nodded, his eyes lighting up with joy. "The best kind of information! You know what I mean!" His grin grew exponentially. Neji was turning red, but the same glint could be seen is his eyes as well. Kiba had no tact and was openly drooling. On the other hand, Shino was subject to no visible change. Rather, he had 'withdrawn' further into his hood, leaving his face in shadow.

"I've had enough of this!" yelled Tsunade. "We're heading back right now! And no more 'talk,' you three!"

Leaving Ebisu in his prone position, the new and now even bigger group left the shop and headed back to the tower. Hinata, after daydreaming for a short while about Naruto, wondered if with all the running backwards and forwards today they'd run into him by accident. Then the idea and the dream melded…

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"Naruto!" cried Neji, pointing ahead of the group.

Jiraiya sighed happily. "Ah, there he is." And he was.

Naruto was striding towards the group, a beautiful smile on his face and the sun reflecting off his golden hair, each blue eye a sky in its own right. As his glance turned to Hinata and their eyes made contact, she felt herself growing a pretty blush for once instead of the usual nuclear glow. Letting her eyes travel, she saw that he had indeed grown, and was truly handsome, but not overly so. That allowed Hinata to feel relief, as she didn't want to like anyone 'better' than her. However, she still couldn't help but notice the powerful muscles underneath his clothes, and her blush grew even more pretty.

"Naruto!" called Kiba as he stepped forwards to clap the orange-garbed ninja around the shoulders, but Naruto ignored him and everyone else completely, still looking straight at Hinata.

"Hinata," he said, and his smile grew, "you know, I was wondering if I'd run into you today."

"You were?" She was pleased to note that her normal mumbling had completely disappeared. "I was wondering if I'd see you!"

He laughed, a beautiful sound that lifted the earth into the heavens. "I also found myself always thinking about you while I was away… Your eyes… so kind…"

Now Hinata laughed too, and hers was just as Naruto's. "I was also thinking about you and your eyes!"

"Heh, we're really similar, aren't we?"

While the two people who were so obviously and completely in love made chit-chat, those who had been accompanying Hinata milled around, not wanting to disturb them. Tsunade was watching them from a hill-top, a magnificent sunset behind her while she smiled serenely at the couple.

"Hinata," said Naruto, "I've been thinking for a while now, about three minutes, and… will you allow me to be your husband?"

"Oh, Naruto!" Hinata smiled, and it was the most beautiful thing that Naruto had ever seen in all of his fifteen years. The sun's red light cast awe-inspiring shadows over the land as Hinata answered. "Yes! Yes, of course I will!" But then the shadows suddenly twisted as her father, Hiashi, appeared from the ground in an imposing stance. As he slowly rotated, he appeared to be even more ominous.

He held out his arm, palm open in a forbidding motion, and said "Hinata! I forbid you to marry him!"

"Otou-san…" Hinata looked at him sadly, until, just like that, his expression changed.

"Do not worry, my daughter! I was just joking! You and your fiancé have my blessing!" He roared with laughter and disappeared once more, Naruto and Hinata staring fondly after him.

When her father had gone, Hinata turned back to the love of her life, expecting a kiss, but then stopped when she saw Naruto suddenly looking serious.

"Hinata," he said in very grim tone, making her worried again. "Before we make our engagement true, there is… something that I must make aware to you."

"What is it, Naruto-kun?"

"You may have noticed that I'm not exactly the most popular person in the village…"

"Of course I have, Naruto-kun. But it is the fact that you persevere and strive forwards that makes me love and admire you so!"

"Thank you, Hinata-chan." That made her blush some more. "But, this is a serious matter, and I find it necessary to discuss it with you properly before we make all our life-changing decisions such as how many children we're going to have. The fact is…"

"Yes, Naruto-kun?"

"The fact is… I don't know…"

She blinked at that.

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She also blinked in real life.

_That's right…_ she thought to herself as the Hokage Tower grew larger. _I still don't know why…_ She believed that Neji knew. After his promotion to jounin she had been practicing her reconnaissance skills by using the byakugan to lip-reading what people were saying from a distance, when she had seen Tsunade saying 'Naruto' and 'secret.' The two had then entered a room in the tower into which not even the byakugan could see. By the time he left he was looking very solemn. She had initially been worried for Naruto, hoping that he hadn't got himself involved in anything stupid, but thankfully those fears were immediately allayed when Neji had made it clear to several members if the clan that he respected Naruto more than anyone else. The whole incident had been a bit embarrassing for Neji, given everything that happened afterwards, but hearing her cousin supporting Naruto like that made her very happy indeed.

When the group of travellers, for that is what they were at that point, reached Tsunade's office, the Hokage sat down with a huge grunt, grabbed a bottle of sake from 'somewhere' and downed it all in one huge prolonged gulp. Jiraiya seemed to be fine with all this, but this could have simply been because Tsunade's coat had also been thrown aside. The three chuunin and the jounin could only stand there and bear some of their leader's less appropriate habits.

"Ah, I needed that!" sighed Tsunade happily. "Well then, I need you lot to go out and find Naruto for me and bring him back here. I'll be talking with Jiraiya."

Hinata immediately restarted her blushing and felt a bit faint; Kiba on the other hand was getting more than a bit angry with the constant ferrying back and forth.

"Hokage-sama, haven't we done enough today? We had a mission last night, we've queued for three hours to buy our literary supplements and get them signed, then we get attacked and no-one even cares, then we come here, then we go _back_ to the bookshop, then we come _back_ here, and now we're going out there _again_ to find some… some…"

"Errant genin." Shino pushed his glasses up his nose. Jiraiya paused in his goggling to give a brief snort, causing Tsunade to realise what he was doing and punch him again.

"Hokage-sama, we'll find Na… Naruto-kun for you," Hinata forced herself to say. She had managed to become more outspoken over the past couple of years, but at least she had a valid reason for the slight stumble over Naruto's name.

At Hinata's acceptance though, Kiba snorted and scowled at her. Shino did his thing, and Neji looked at her serenely, although from certain angles his expression vaguely resembled a smile. Only vaguely, mind you.

"It's settled then. You four find the brat and bring him back while I interrogate the pervert."

_Pervert?_ wandered through Hinata's mind as she looked at Jiraiya.

"Do we have any starting points for the search?" asked Neji in a mildly interested tone.

"Pfeh," sneered Tsunade, giving poor Jiraiya another scathing glare, "If his teacher's been any kind of influence on him, which I hope he hasn't, you might try the women's section of the hot springs or ladies' clothes shops… Anywhere where female skin is more visible than usual. And if you do find him anywhere like that, I'm gonna beat _you_, Jiraiya, up again."

"Hah!" Jiraiya stood up to enter an impressive pose. "For once I've got you beat, Tsunade!" He turned to the Find-Naruto-Or-Die team and said "I recommend that you look anywhere _but_ those places! In fact, search at the completely opposite places!"

"You can't mean…" whispered Tsunade, "the men's section? Or… men's clothes shops?"

"Naruto… who woulda guessed it?" laughed Kiba before he collapsed from the intense pressure in his abdomen. Tsunade had to force herself out of her ashen-faced stupor to quickly save his life.

Shino silently shuffled over to Hinata. "Do you know what Kiba finds so funny?"

Hinata shook her head. "Sorry, Shino-kun…"

Now that Kiba was okay again, Tsunade slumped back into her chair to face the uncharacteristically grave Jiraiya. Now that he had her attention again, he spoke. "I would appreciate it if you didn't laugh at my greatest failing." His voice was low and serious.

"Then… you mean that Naruto actually is...?"

"NO!" yelled Jiraiya. "He is NOT! Thankfully my failure is not quite _that_ bad! If that were the case, I'd… No. My greatest failure was… Well, you'll see." He was so serious at this point that they all became actually worried for Naruto. Why wasn't he with Jiraiya, anyway?

"Jiraiya… Is it really that bad?"

"It is."

Tsunade gulped.

"In that case, find him as quickly as possible. Look everywhere, no preferences." The team left without question this time, even Kiba wondering what had happened to Naruto to make Jiraiya and the Hokage so worried.

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Once they had left, Tsunade turned back to Jiraiya and swallowed. "So?"

"Do you want the good news… or the bad news?" Switching from his despondent attitude from a few seconds ago, Jiraiya bared a small grin. Tsunade was clearly not amused, as indicated by the immense groan and the falling face-first onto her desk.

"You enjoy provoking me, don't you?" The voice was rather muffled.

"It brings out your beauty and enhances your-" The growling quickly shut him up, and he hurriedly asked "Good or bad?"

"Good. I don't feel like bad news. I want everything to be perfect for once."

The dashing sennin sat opposite her produced a very satisfied smile. Apparently he'd lightened up from his previous severity. "Then you'll be pleased to hear that I, the incredible Jiraiya, have procured an amazing young talent! My teaching techniques – even _I_ didn't know they were that good!" Taking a deep breath he went on. "By means of my incredible tutelage, my student has become a ninjutsu powerhouse! His power unbounded by the heavens, the earth, and all that lies in between! Who is he? He's-"

"Yes, he's Naruto. That's who we're talking about." The Hokage was still not impressed, apparently.

"I only decided that he's old enough now for his own introduction! I've been working on it now for three months – waddya think?" His expression was infinitely hopeful. Obviously his own impression was that it was great.

"It's slightly less bad than yours."

"Oh… Well, I think it's perfectly fine."

Tsunade leaned forwards. "So… The training?"

Jiraiya gulped. "Ah, yes… Um, well, his natural talent's ninjutsu, which is strange considering what he's told me about the academy. Says he couldn't even pull off a bunshin without it looking like a diseased corpse."

"I've heard."

"Anyway, I reached the simple conclusion that the only reason he had trouble was because of his chakra. That, and I wonder what the quality of his education was while he was at the academy."

"Hmm. About his chakra - do you mean his capacity or the Kyuubi?" asked Tsunade.

"Both," replied Jiraiya. "He had far much more chakra then than someone his age had a right to. That alone would have made it hard to mould chakra with any semblance of real control, and when you take the demon into account as well you can hardly say that anyone could have done better than he did."

"Hmm. So what did you do about it?"

Jiraiya sighed. "I have to tell you the truth. For the first year or so, I had Naruto doing little other than control exercises. Thankfully it's paid off fully, and while it's not perfect, he now has as good a grasp on control as I think he'll ever be able to. As a result I have successfully created a jutsu powerhouse! Bwahahahahaha!" While he laughed his head off, Tsunade almost cried for lack of alcohol at this point. Naruto had obviously affected Jiraiya's sanity somewhat.

"Soo..?"

"The brat loves blowing stuff up. You can give him any ninjutsu to practice and he'll suck, at least at first. If he still doesn't get it, insult him a few times, make a bet that he won't be able to learn in it any named period of time, and he'll go nuts just to prove you wrong." Tsunade began to speak, but Jiraiya interrupted. "I got the idea from you, so you can't talk. Besides, it works like a charm, and leaves lots of research time!"

"I frankly don't want to hear about your sordid habits, Jiraiya. So, would you say that ninjutsu's his strongest area?"

"Definitely," said Jiraiya with a smirk. "His huge chakra's perfect for letting him churn out jutsu after jutsu, and with his vastly improved control he's quite efficient about it. Kyuubi chakra's something else though."

"In what way?"

"Well, for one thing his control with it is worse than you could possibly ever imagine, in terms of both efficiency and restraint. You haven't seen it, but whenever he accesses it there's no way of restraining it short of temporarily sealing it again. It just pours out – it's quite a sight, to say the least."

Tsunade interrupted him now. "Jiraiya, I think we should talk about this… subject later. Somewhere else, too. Harder to penetrate."

"Ah, right." Jiraiya was nodding wisely, another habit it seemed that he'd picked up from his own student. "The demon's still a slightly touchy area, hmm?"

"I'd rather no-one had the chance to listen in, whether by accident or choice."

He shrugged. "Your decision. Anyway, aside from ninjutsu he's actually proven, if you'd believe it, to not be a bad genjutsu-user."

"_Genjutsu?_" Tsunade was disbelieving, to say the least. Her old team-mate nodded.

"Once we'd got past the control issue, I tried teaching him a genjutsu and was horrified the next morning to find that I'd developed… well, I was a fine-looking woman. Very fine-looking. Aside from my obviously masculine features. My beard was also quite grand."

"Eugh…"

"I know, but don't worry. I got the little punk back for that! Beat him at his own game! By the time we left the Waterfall he had to endure streams of young men asking him out! They came up with interesting 'girlfriend names' for him, too." He started laughing evilly, and Tsunade sighed, wondering why she put up with him.

"What did you do, Jiraiya?"

"I upped the level of the sexy no jutsu, used it on him, and left him stuck as 'that hot whiskers chick' for our entire stay. Of course I, in my great benevolence, allowed 'him' the dignity of clothes."

"And did you actually do any training during your stay there?"

"I taught him a valuable life lesson."

"Right. So, genjutsu is..?"

"Something he enjoys too much for his own good. He thinks it's funny. He certainly isn't the best in the world in terms of the techniques he knows, or those I think he could learn – then again, I could be wrong. Anyway, there's that hot genjutsu babe, right? Yuuhi something?"

"Yuuhi Kurenai?"

"Ooh, yeah, her. Mmm hmm. Indeed." Something happened and a second later the pitiable man was picking himself off the floor.

"Jiriaya. You're only just back. Don't make me send you away again." Her voice was deadly serious.

"Umm, okay. Anyway, uh, when you compare the genjutsu he knows to the kind of stuff she'll have, it won't be nearly as advanced. What's interesting though is the way he _applies_ the jutsu."

"In what way?"

"Well… he _hunts_."

"Riiight."

"That is to say he traps his enemies in genjutsu, as I said, because he thinks it's funny. The techniques, while not being advanced-level, _are_ usually beyond what normal shinobi bother learning, but he uses them in such a way that it makes his opponents confused or angry. Like he uses a very bright katon, and at the same time 'removes' the ground so the poor enemy ninja think they've been blasted halfway into space. Or if he's attacking a procession or the like, he'll somehow send in scarily accurate kage bunshin combined with henge and the escorts won't know who's an enemy, or even if their client has been replaced."

"If what you're telling me isn't just a load of rubbish to get you out of a thrashing for not doing your job, then I have to say I'm impressed. Although… I am interested… exactly _when_ during your trip did I send missions to you in which you had to do _any_ of these incredible deeds?"

"Oh." Jiraiya suddenly found the need to smile charmingly. "Um…"

When she saw him moving away, ever so slightly, her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits, promising Jiraiya extreme injuries and no hospital afterwards. "Am I going to like your answer?" she asked

"Possibly…"

"Meaning..?"

"Meaning probably not, hopefully yes, and maybe a mixture of the two."

To Jiraiya's surprise, Tsunade gave a small smile and sat back into her chair again. The smile seemed innocent enough, but he shivered slightly, remembering several 'events' from their younger days. With Tsunade, a smile good be very good, or very bad.

"You know what, Jiraiya?" she asked, the small smile not shifting at all. He noticed that it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I can't really be bothered to beat you up now, so I'll just clock it all up and then destroy you all at once afterwards, okay?"

_So,_ thought the sennin as he narrowed his eyes. _She really means to kill me…_ "There's nothing I can do about it!" he yelled suddenly.

"_What?_"

"Huh?"

"Just shut up, Jiraiya. I'm feeling mean right now – my lack of alcohol… is awakening… my bloodlust… So tell me, is whatever caused Naruto to get into fights good or bad?"

"Oh," said Jiraiya. "It's good. It's just that you won't like it."

"That means it's something perverted."

"Nope. For once you're completely wrong!"

"Then what is it?"

"I'll tell you once we've finished with the rest of this. It'd probably be more appropriate then… It fits in with teams and so-on."

Tsunade made a small disbelieving noise. "Fine, but you aren't getting out of whatever it is. So anyway, Naruto's ninjutsu is very good and his genjutsu is also decent… although I still find that very hard to believe. I'll definitely need to look into that. What's his worse area then? What about his physical abilities?"

Jiraiya immediately started twitching, and his eyes began to water. Silence filled the room, and it all seemed very surreal, until Tsunade saw a tear run down Jiraiya's cheek. It fell, and so quiet was everything else that it could be heard hitting the floor. Once the stillness was broken, Jiraiya began sobbing. He raised his arm and cried into it.

"You… have no idea… of just how much… Naruto STINKS!" he wept. "He… He doesn't have a clue! He lacks every form of grace that a ninja should have! What's worse, he doesn't get it! He still thinks he's great! The best ever, he says. But that couldn't be further from the truth…"

Tsunade was more than slightly unnerved by the sight of the great sannin crying like a baby. "It… It can't be _quite _that bad, can it?"

"You… You have no idea…"

"Then give me an idea."

Jiraiya wiped his nose with his sleeve, leaving it much dirtier than it had been a few minutes ago. "Fine… After the thing I'm going to tell you about later, he… he got it into his head that he was going to become a great sword-user. So I decided to get the kid a present, a decent one for once. I went out and bought a great little ninja-to, and gave it to him. And then guess what happens?"

"What?" Tsunade was not expecting anything good.

"It was a fine day. I was admiring the scenery, a beautiful range of natural things to look at, when behind me…"

_--- Flashback! ---_

"_Naruto! Oh, kami-sama, how did you do _this_!"_

"_Ugh… Ero-sennin…"_

"_Don't say anything, Naruto! Or move! We need to slow the bleeding!"_

"_Uuuuuugh…"_

"_I don't know any jutsu that can heal this… And why aren't you healing by yourself! HEY, KYUUBI! HEAL HIM _NOW_! Oh, kami-sama… Help! Can anyone help!"_

"_Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh… owh…"_

"_Oh, no, look at that poor boy!"_

"_Don't let our son see. It'll give him nightmares until he's twenty."_

"_Eeeeew. Who knew guts looked like that?"_

"_HELP! PLEASE!"_

"_What happened here? Don't worry, I'm a super doctor, capable of many incredible feats."_

"_He… he…"_

"_Uuuuu… ooo…"_

"_Shouldn't we help too?"_

"_And get my new clothes covered in blood?"_

"_Aaaaooogheeee…"_

"_NARUTO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…"_

_--- End le flashback! ---_

"And we still don't have a clue why Kyuubi did nothing."

"Your whole trip sounds like the shambles," muttered Tsunade, holding her head in her hands to keep herself from collapsing with exasperation.

"It… probably was…" Jiraiya let one last tear fall. "The short of it is, the only real area in physical abilities that he's any good in whatsoever is throwing kunai and shuriken. Aside from that, he's stuck with basic academy taijutsu and variations using the kage bunshin. He's quite creative in that area, though it's nowhere, _nowhere_ near as effective as someone who's bothered to learn an actual style. And like I said, he's the most ungraceful thing I've ever laid my eyes on. In a pure taijutsu fight, no kage bunshin allowed, the only way he'll ever win is through a war of attrition, which, depending on his enemy's stamina, can take a very long time."

"Time which he may not have on missions…"

"Although he will have his other abilities then, which he thankfully isn't nearly as bad with."

"Unless he somehow gets his chakra blocked off."

"Ah. I suppose you know about his first chuunin exam? He fought some Hyuuga punk and apparently got hit by Hakke Rokujuu Yonshou. And I can tell you that, like then, the Kyuubi's supply of chakra is uninterruptible. Seems that demon chakra's kind of impervious to attack by humans."

"Jiraiya," snarled Tsunade, "I said we'd talk about the demon later on. Somewhere safer!"

"Ah, it doesn't matter. You've got too into this hokage thing."

"It means I need to be responsible. There's something your own student taught me!"

"Heh. Anyhow, shall I spill the beans on 'what happened that I'm so reluctant to tell you about'?"

"Uhh… You might as well…"

----------------------------------------------------------

"Do you know how much I want to kill Naruto right now?" Kiba angrily asked Shino.

"No," replied Shino.

"I really want to kill him!"

"Really." Shino didn't say it like a question.

"Yeah!" raged Kiba. "When we find him, I'm gonna… Grr! He's gonna feel it in the morning, I promise you that!"

"Kiba…" said Shino.

"Yeah, what?"

"I don't care."

"Yeah, you too, bugman."

Behind them, Hinata was walking along in a daze, random dreams involving her and Naruto in various situations entering and leaving her head. Neji, on the other hand, was switching between awe at finding out that his hero, Jiraiya-sama, was Naruto's sensei and silent anger at his defeat earlier on by the mysterious attacker. Suddenly he got a face-full of Kiba.

"Hello?" Neji flinched at the loudness of Kiba's yelling. "We've got to get a move-on! Something's not right and I wanna know what, and poor Akamaru's still at home, waiting for me to get back with the goods, which, thanks to some ß5trd weirdo, have been incinerated into nothing! I wanted to see whether the rumours were true."

"You mean the ones about Junko's father..?"

"Yeah. I heard another one too. Not only is the Dark Ninja Junko's father, but Misaki is his sister!"

"I heard that Sayuri is Junko's daughter," spoke up Shino.

"How'd you work that out?" asked an incredulous Kiba. "She's only two years younger than him!"

"Time-travel."

"Ah. Well, I'm glad nothing happened with either of them."

While Kiba and Shino discussed the family tree of Icha Icha Paradise, Hinata wondered if maybe she should try reading the books. Then she'd be able to join in on the conversations. But then Neji had warned her against it… _I'll think about it…_ she decided.

Neji dragged himself from listening in on the juicy talk and sighed as he resigned himself to the task ahead. He was genuinely interested as to what had Jiraiya so worried. He suspected that it had something to do with the Kyuubi which caused so many problems. He had been quite surprised when Tsunade had hauled him off to talk with him about it, but after he got to grips with the idea he realised how it fitted in with everything he'd learnt about Naruto. After their fight in the Chuunin Exam, he'd wondered about Naruto's talk of being burdened by seals. Tsunade's final confirmation of the Kyuubi's actual situation let him realise that in at least that respect the two were actually quite similar. The issue of hate due to being sealed was a different matter though: the pain caused to Neji was directly from his seal, while Naruto's was from the manner in which people treated him because of his. In that respect they were different and Naruto was the worse off of the two. Even being a member of the Hyuuga Branch House entailed privileges, while Naruto was despised by the vast majority of the population.

Soon the four agreed to split ways. If this were part of a mission, they would have probably gone in pairs for safety. Inside Konoha however, there was no such concern for safety. Most enemies would have a hard time infiltrating the village, and even if an attack took place there were always friendly ninja nearby and the eternal presence of ANBU.

_That's a thought! _Neji scowled. _Where _were _ANBU when that guy attacked us?_ Then it occurred to him, and he groaned. _The Icha Icha Paradise Mega-Release…_

Hinata was not thinking about the same things as Neji as she walked off in her direction, byakugan scanning the area around her. During Naruto's time away she had come to realise two things: the first was that she despised being known as the weakest member of her clan. She had overcome this to quite an extent by passing the chuunin exam, but still her demure ways held her in contempt of many members of her family who believed that she should be more 'fierce and assertive' as one elderly Hyuuga put it. Thankfully Neji had seemed to be making a conscious effort to change himself after his fight in the chuunin exam, much as she wished she could do, and had become completely loyal to her, speaking against anyone who dared belittle her. As such, he was more of a 'Neji-nii-san' than she could have hoped for.

The second realisation was, to Hinata, disturbing. She was at the core, simply put, a very nice person, yet she found that she had come to hate Uchiha Sasuke. The idea of actually hating someone made her feel nervous, yet she couldn't help but feel intense dislike towards him. She had barely known him as an acquaintance – in fact, she couldn't remember ever even speaking a single word to him. And then, when he had decided to betray everything that should have meant something to him, he had caused Kiba and Akamaru to be seriously injured and Neji to come very close to the brink of death. Although she didn't know Shikamaru or Chouji nearly as well, she still felt very bad for them. Chouji had also been close to death, and while Shikamaru only returned with a broken finger, he had to deal with a large emotional burden, having failed his first mission as well as feeling responsible for his friends' conditions.

Naruto was somewhat of a mystery. Upon his return he had been immediately taken to the hospital and treated for his injuries, which, when compared to Neji or Chouji, weren't all that bad. However, Sakura, who had been apprenticing under the Hokage, had read some reports from afterwards which said he had been initially far more injured. Sakura hadn't been able to work out how he'd been able to speak normally with her and Shikamaru so soon afterwards. Hinata had asked Neji after his promotion about these phantom injuries that disappeared sooner than they could be properly recorded, again suspecting that something wasn't quite right, and rightly so. Neji had told her that he did know, but simply wasn't allowed to reveal anything. He left Hinata feeling very confused.

Nonetheless, for all of this she did feel very angry towards Sasuke. And now she found herself wondering what Naruto was going to do about it. She knew that he had left to train in order that he would be strong enough to regain Sasuke, but to her the Uchiha had always seemed ahead of every other ninja their age. He had also been the apprentice of the man who managed to kill the Sandaime Hokage for towards three years now. This would undoubtedly have made him very strong, but how much stronger was simply another factor that left her worrying more about Naruto. He had been the most influential person in helping her to become a chuunin, even though he didn't know a thing about it. Even so, their all too brief talks had done a world of good for her, and, remembering their talk before the third exam, once for him too. He had looked thankful then, and wore a genuine smile, one that she had never seen before. In her dreams, he smiled like that a lot, particularly after he kissed her, but that was beside the point. To tell the truth, it boiled down to the fact that she was hoping that he wouldn't go off after Sasuke as soon as he got back. She worried some more after thinking this, wondering if she were selfish. But if he did stay, maybe when he became a chuunin they would do missions together on a team sometimes and then maybe some circumstance would arise in which she would be forced to confess how she had initially admired him from afar before falling in love with him. She didn't mind calling it love either, since she truly believed that what she felt was actual love and not just a crush. But then she'd always had a habit of letting her emotions get out of control. Unfortunately this did nothing more than prompt certain members of the clan to scowl and call her an emotional weakling.

Scanning the area, she saw Shino at the very edge of her byakugan's range. He had turned his head to look directly at something, rather than keeping it straight on; this odd behaviour alone was enough to draw Hinata's attention. Shino never turned his head; he was an unstoppable force of purpose, only ever moving forwards, and if it were a cliff in front of him, he'd just have to walk off it. Deciding to head to towards him, she saw Neji entering her field of vision, apparently doing the same.

When they both arrived, Shino was staring intently at a wall. Hinata sidled up to Neji, worried about the bug-user's state of health. Neji whispered "Kiba's coming too," instilling some relief into her.

Soon all three were watching Shino, a growing sense of apprehension creeping into their soles. The intensity of Shino's glare was so great, even though you couldn't see it, that it was a surprise the wall wasn't recoiling in fear. Yet Neji found himself thinking…

_Wait! This feeling… I have sensed it before… Could it be? No…_He quickly boosted chakra to his byakugan, trying to confirm the thought which had just hit him.

Before he could complete his examination, Shino spun around, his sunglasses only hinting at the force of the eyes that lay behind them, making Neji flinch slightly.

"SO!" he yelled. Neji fell over. "You knew who it was, Neji!" Shino formed a seal and erupted into smoke.

_Shino-kun has a lot of people pretending to be him today…_ thought Hinata wonderingly. _Wait… Is it..!_

"YES!" bellowed the voice from the beyond. "It is I, your future Hokage-sama! To be more specific, Uzumaki Naruto-sama, Rokudaime Hokage to be!"

"KAMI-SAMA, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, NARUTO!" Kiba roared like an enraged bull, and he leapt into the smoke. Yells of much pain and hurt ensued. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF $?# I'VE GONE THROUGH TODAY!"

Neji was torn between breaking it up, being the responsible jounin that he was, and jumping in himself, since he too had cause to kill Naruto. Of course his language would be more appropriate. Hinata, meanwhile, was rapidly, as usual in situations with this person, being transformed into a Red Hyuuga, thoughts flying around her head. The fact that _he_ was, at the time, being completely wasted had not reached her yet.

"COME ON YOU ÅÞ£¥$ &?#! I'M GONNA DAMN KILL YOUR Å§§, YOU LOUSY ß1ÃŦ¢Ħ!"

"KIBA!" shouted Neji into the dust. "DON'T SPEAK LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF HINATA-SAMA!"

"SHUT THE ÅÞ UP, NEJI! AH, ÅÞ YOU, NARUTO!"

"HELP!"

"Naruto-kun…" wondered Hinata as she finally realized that he was in the middle of being destroyed.

Then Shino showed up. "I was able to escape my bonds," he informed everyone.

"I TOLD YOU TO NOT TALK LIKE THAT, KIBA!"

"Does no-one care?" wondered Shino.

"Naruto-kun…"

"No-one…" For possibly the first time in his life, Shino felt a bit sad.

"ÅÞ YOU, SHINO!"

Eventually the miniature dust storm died down, to reveal Kiba who had a teary Naruto in very painful-looking lock. Before she rushed in to worry about Naruto, Hinata quickly gave him a look up and down.

Sometimes in her dreams he returned to Konoha, six feet and six inches tall, with a large sword. He would be wearing a trench coat of some dark colour, usually with the kanji for something like 'Toad Overlord,' 'Fox Master' or 'Ramen King' on the back or the sleeves. His combat boots neatly laced, he would reveal to her that they were somehow arranged to be married at sixteen.

This Naruto was not quite like that though, for which Hinata couldn't help but be thankful. Über-Naruto may be good for a quick imaginary fling, but she couldn't help but get the feeling that as soon as she left the dream he ran off with a load of other kunoichi. By contrast the Naruto before her wore no embellished trench coat or height-enhancing boots. Instead he had a jump-suit much like his old one, albeit black and orange now, and the usual zori. Neither was his hitai-ate engraved with some outlandish symbol, but just the leaf insignia.

Thankfully the design wasn't slashed out, either. Hinata blushed even more at that. Adventuring Nukenin Naruto was very romantic. He would sneak into the village at midnight to serenade her from below her window before being forced to make his escape, the hunter nin hot on his trail, but not without promising that he would return for her. However, in real life such a situation was hardly practical.

No, this Naruto just looked like the old one, except older. A bit less 'round' than he had been then, possibly a bit more muscular and certainly taller to some degree. But had his personality changed?

_Please, let him still be Naruto-kun,_ Hinata silently prayed.

"You tried to kill me!" yelled the dishevelled genin from his prone placement. "How could you!"

_He seems the same…_ was the hopeful thought.

"You're just lucky that I decided to hold back my true power!" retorted Kiba, dusting himself off. "I got every reason to literally kill you, idiot."

"Ptheh. I've become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

Neji, once again the dependable jounin, decided to step in. "Naruto, I am… interested to see you again." He didn't think that saying 'pleased' would sound very jounin-like. 'Interested' was the word he thought best described his feelings. "But Tsunade-sama wished to speak with you. She seemed worried when we left. And what happened to you Shino?"

"I was-"

"He tried to capture me for some reason, so I got him first!" interrupted Naruto. "I used henge to look like a really cool bug, and then my kage bunshin gets him!"

"… Naruto is correct," confirmed Shino.

"We were only trying to get you back to Tsunade-sama," Neji said calmly. "As I said, she seemed worried by what Jiraiya-sama told her."

Naruto did a double-take. "Eh? Ero-sennin's with baa-chan? I thought he was still off doing his sicko pervert stuff!"

"We had to remove him to the Hokage's office. He's in a very serious mood."

Naruto was looking around very absently-mindedly, when a thought occurred to him. "Oh, I haven't said hello."

"Yeah, you haven't," growled Kiba.

Naruto immediately broke into a wide, evil grin. "Hello!" Neji's and Kiba's faces grew disbelieving.

"What's happened to you, Naruto?" asked Kiba. "You've got… weird…"

Hinata, who had done a very job of hiding herself behind her cousin, found her cheeks actually starting to hurt from the intense heat they were generating. _Naruto-kun… He really is back… And he hasn't changed… except that Kiba-kun said he's weird… and Naruto-kun said before that I'm weird… We're both weird! I wonder what he'll think of how much I've been able to change myself… I think I've become stronger._

"Hello Hinata!" She jumped as she realised that Naruto was looking around Neji to see her hiding. "Didn't see you there… I wondered where you'd gone, though!" His voice was very cheerful.

"Let's just get going, yeah?" Kiba was getting agitated again. "I've got to get some replacement goodness and then… to bed! Man, I need some sleep…" He didn't notice Naruto's face briefly darkening at that. However, the look had been fleeting, and before anyone had seen it, it was gone.

"Eehh, I suppose we'd put baa-chan out of her misery."

"Then let's go."

----------------------------------------------------------

Les mots de l'auteur

Yes, another attempt by me to write a decent story… Despite my determination, my last try grew too much for me to take, and so about halfway through Chapter Two I thought 'Bwahahaha' and left it at that. Still, thank you to the two reviewers, The Gandhara and Dragon Man 180, if either of you are reading this by any chance. Still, if anyone looks at that and thinks it is still worth continuing, please let me know. Anyway, the nice traditional Naruto Returneth™ brand is easier; lots of customisation right from the start. At least, that's what my non-functioning brain says. I've tried to make this different from others, and it _should_ become more apparent in what ways that is. Although, reading through it, it just seems confusing… At some points it just seems like it's all description or whatever, and at others it's just inane chat. Also, it might be apparent that some stuff in here is kind of making fun of the style of other fics. That isn't meant to be mean, just funny. (At least, it's meant to be funny.) I think this is called 'British humour.' Making fun of things you like... I'm not sure... But there you go. So, it's not mean. Yeah. And, as ever, it's NaruHina. This is non-negotiable to any degree of any extent, but I may include either KibaSaku or NejiSaku. GASP! No Sasuke! It's true! But that's all: NaruHina, and… another one. So, if anyone at all out there finds this bleargh worthy of a review, please review it. Seriously, that's probably all the motivation I'll get. I wanna cry! Even if it's just an 'omg ur story sux like cabbage' or 'more plz', please lemme know. Consider it your duty as a human being! But, uh, thanks for reading anyway.

_**NEXT TIME **(hopefully)_What's making Jiraiya sad? What's gonna make Tsunade sad? Has the Kyuubi made Naruto go bad? Who was the mysterious attacker? Will Sasuke ever marry Orochimaru? Where are Naruto's other friends? Will there be fighting of any kind? Is Lee's youth still burning? All this, and more, can only be found out in the excitingly titled: Chapter the Second! (if it makes it)

Au revoir!


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